#does this feel too filler...

[saffusthings]

second chances

mob boss! lando norris x reader

part fifteen: creature of habit

word count: 1.2k

warnings: smoking, mentions of smoking as an unhealthy coping mechanism, talks of quitting(?)

fourteen | fifteen | sixteen

The moment she slid into the passenger seat of the now familiar car on Wednesday afternoon, she wrinkled her nose. It wasn’t too obvious—not like she meant to do it—but Lando caught it immediately. Her face didn’t quite scrunch, but her lips pressed together, and she shifted slightly like she was trying to put some distance between herself and the lingering scent in the car.

It had been a bad night. A bad fucking night. Lando had barely slept, the nicotine still sitting thick in his lungs after going through nearly half a pack while trying to cool off. He thought he’d aired the car out enough, but apparently not.

“You smoke?” she asked, her voice light but laced with something he couldn’t quite name.

Lando barely flicked a glance her way before putting the car in drive. “Not really.”

She gave him a look. The kind that made it clear she didn’t buy his bullshit but wasn’t going to press him on it either. “Oh,” she murmured.“It smells like smoke in here.”

Lando barely paused as he shifted gears, glancing at her with a blank expression. “Does it?”

She sniffed again, like she was double-checking, then nodded. The thick scent of tobacco hit the back of her throat with every inhale, forcing her to breathe it in through her nose instead. “Yeah.” 

He played it cool, turning his attention back to the road. “Must’ve been the guy who had it before me.”

She frowned slightly. “You let people borrow your cars?”

Ah, fuck.

“Not usually,” he said smoothly. Lando played dumb, shifting the car into drive. “Why?”

She shot him a look before waving a hand slightly in front of her face. “Because it reeks in here.”

He exhaled through his nose, tilting his head slightly like he was considering it. “Huh. Must’ve been the guy parked next to me then.”

Not that I own my own private three-story garage or anything.

She didn’t look convinced.

He kept his expression neutral, his grip on the steering wheel relaxed. She wasn’t stupid—he knew that. But he also wasn’t about to sit here and talk about why he had needed a cigarette so badly after what had gone down the night before.

She turned to the window, clearly put off by the lingering scent, and he caught the way she subtly pulled at the collar of her sweater, like she wanted to block out the smell completely. She fidgeted with the collar of her shirt before deciding it’d be rude to show her distaste so blatantly, instead opting to fidget with her fingers in her lap. Her fingers curled against her thigh, her shoulders tensed just the tiniest bit.

Interesting.

The next day, he brought a different car.

He didn’t acknowledge it. She didn’t bring it up. But when she got in, there was no wrinkling of her nose, no slight shift of discomfort. Instead, when she noticed the scented dangling tree ornament hanging from the rearview mirror, there was a twinkle in her eye.

This car was swirling with the artificial scent of french vanilla – much warmer and sweeter than the overwhelming haze they’d had to inhale the day prior. Instinctively, she smiled.

Huh, it smells nice in here.

Warm scents always had been her favorite, with her always stopping to smell candles that smell like vanilla or snickerdoodle or s’mores whenever she found herself at the mall. And now, her lips curled in a subconscious display of approval as she sat beside him, before she began to delve into all the details of her day.

It was stupid how much that pleased him.

A week later, his boys started noticing.

“Alright,” Max Fewtrell said, arms crossed, watching Lando fidget with something in his hands. “Enough of this shit. You’re fidgety as fuck, mate. What the fuck is going on with you?” He eyed Lando, watching the way his fingers twitched slightly on the table. “You good?”

“What d’you mean?” Lando muttered, scowling as he flicked an unlit cigarette between his fingers. He exhaled sharply, tapping his fingers against the table. He’d been doing that a lot lately. Twitching. Tapping. Clenching his jaw. Running his hand through his hair. All the fucking things he used to do before he ever picked up a cigarette.

Max Verstappen raised an eyebrow. “You’re miserable.”

“I am not miserable!” Lando snapped, then hesitated, rubbing a hand down his face.

Deep breaths. Get your shit together Norris. For fuck’s sake.

“Okay, maybe a little. But nothin’ more than usual, you muppets.”

Carlos Sainz paused in the middle of their game of pool, watching his boss like the kid was a puzzle missing half its pieces. “Didn’t you just buy a fresh pack the other day?”

Ah, so there’s a brain in there after all.

“Yeah,” Fewtrell agreed, his analytical gaze scanning Lando from head to toe and back again. “And then I saw you throw it in the bin an hour later.”

Can’t you ever mind your own fuckin’ business?

Lando snarled in nor particular direction, twirling the unlit cigerette between his fingers while he stared at it as if it had personally offended him. If he stared at it any harder, the poor thing would likely disintegrate.

Daniel Ricciardo, ever the opportunist, grinned wide and knowing. Mirth danced in those warm brown eyes. “I mean, hey, if you’re quitting, you could just say so.”

Lando let out a sharp breath, leaning against the counter. As soon as he pocketed the stupid cigarette, his fingers twitched like they wanted something to hold. A moment later, he had his lighter out instead, flicking it on and off in repetitive motions. “It’s not quitting.”

Fewtrell narrowed his eyes. “It looks like quitting.”

Daniel snorted. “Bullshit. You’ve been chewing gum like it’s your last meal and looking pissed off for the last three days.”

Fewtrell narrowed his eyes. “You are quitting.” He grinned. “What, you on a sudden health kick? Givin’ up joints for spring rolls?”

Lando sighed through his nose, his jaw tightening slightly. He didn’t even like smoking—never had, not really. It was just something that came with the job, something that filled the space between the cracks.

But now? Now it was annoying him. He found himself thinking about it in a way he never had before.

Max Verstappen lifted a brow, actually looking up from his phone. “Since when do you give a shit about that?”

Lando scowled. “It’s just—” He exhaled through his nose, frustrated, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well– Erm, it’s– It’s just not right, y’know?”

Silence.

Carlos exchanged a glance with Fewtrell. Verstappen’s eyes narrowed slightly. Daniel just looked amused, using every once of self control not to burst out laughing in front of everyone. Oh, this was hilarious.

The guys exchanged glances.

Not right? Since when did Lando give a shit about right and wrong?

Carlos raised a brow. “Since when do you care?”

Lando didn’t answer. Instead, he flicked the lighter shut, shoving it into his pocket.

Fewtrell tilted his head. “Not right… how?”

And since when? He wanted to ask. You’ve been smokin’ a pack a week since you were old enough to reach the checkout counter at the corner store, so what’s this bullshit?

Lando pushed off the counter, grabbing his car keys. “Don’t worry about it.”

Daniel grinned. “Ohhh, I see.”

Lando barely looked up from where he was flipping a lighter between his fingers. “Dunno what you’re talking about. Y’don’t see shit,” Lando muttered, flipping him off as he walked out the door.

Daniel’s grin widened. “Whatever you say, boss.”

a/n: if this feels too filler again, i'm sorry. i'm just trying to build their dynamic a bit, but hopefully the upcoming chapters will be more interesting for you guys. thank you for reading!

[rookflower]

people complain about tpb glazing but im gonna be honest i think i mostly just see that bias appearing in people who aren't in the fandom and haven't read the books since they were kids. in terms of fan favourite characters i think in my time in the fandom there's always been more of a focus on the tnp-oots characters? which makes sense because i think those arcs are the slowest paced and dedicate the most time to their characters (for better or for worse), since tpb is more focused in on exposition and plot and the later arcs kind of struggle to balance their multi-clan povs. oh and also cause the fire scene happened in po3

[927roses-and-stuff]

just when i think im done with the miraculoys fandom it YANKS ME BACK IN WITH LILA/CERISE AS AN ACTUALLY GOOD VILLAIN OMG

like you could tell me it would take 5+ seasons/an entire year to unmask her and i'd believe you. whereas with gabriel...he should've been unmasked season 2 episode 1 with the collector smh

[masterfuldoodler]

If half alive has 1000 fans I am one of them. If half alive has 1 fan, I am that fan

[emile-hides]

What other enemies (or enemy costumes) would you add to World if you could? Personally I was pretty happy to see para-biddybud, coin coffer, and pokey, but it seems like a small selection considering the sheer number of Mario enemies there are

Okay I'm gonna be a Little Mean and lack whimsy for a moment here but I think this Everyone Is Here Mario Kart roster is Dumb and I Don't Like It.

Don't get me wrong I loooove Mario enemies they're well designed and interesting, but if you asked me if a Pokey could drive a car I'd say No??? Of course not???? That's a fucking Animal????

And also it Looks Dumb

Like.

That man is Not driving. He's not even on the Kart. It looks Stupid.

Like. Sorry to be a hater but everything gone downhill sense they put a Piranha Plant in Smash Bros. That is not a sentient creature that is a Plant. It was a Item just last game who put in a kart.

I think the only one who gave me any sort of whimsy to see driving was Cataquack and maybe Peepa cause they're just so niche? I was also happy about Pianta and obviously Nabbit who I've sung praises about, but they're not No-Name enemies.

Truthfully, instead of this Everyone Is Here Enemies with no personality filler roaster, I would have much rather if they'd put more Shine to Named NPCs who've never gotten to race instead.

Like? Toadsworth and E. Gadd would fit right into a Mario Kart roster to me. If you wanna reference Galaxy so much like Nintendo's been doing a LOT recently, Luba or Prince Luma are Right There and Very marketable.

More niche picks would be like. Any of the Paper Mario sidekicks, Goombella is sooooo popular, Vivian even more so. I'd love to see Parakarry again, and Watt sense we've let babies drive for Decades now. Anyone from SPM is a longshot but I'd still love if they showed up...

And hey! The Remaster of Super Mario RPG was a Hit! so how about Geno??? He's sooooooo popular and already converted to 3D with the remaster! And the Mario and Luigi series came back, so how about some old classics from those games? The Elite Trio, maybe Broque Monsieur? He did get referenced in Brothership (apparently)

Sorry it's all Mario RPGs those are my favorites. Anyways.

I'm sure the Koopalings will Eventually be added back in but it feels so weird they were Excluded at Launch to make room for.... Like just a Fucking Dolphin? It doesn't effect me, I know, because I didn't buy at Launch (or possibly ever) but I still think they're like. Incredibly stupid.

To actually Answer your question though, sense this is the direction Mario Kart is going and it's not changing obviously, I guess I'd like to see Chain Chomp. Always loved Chain Chomp. Let the dog drive. I also think it'd be funny if they let Bullet Bill drive, but also kept it as an Item. Just to be Difficult.

Oh also all the basic townie type friendly NPCs from Odyssey? Like the Shiverians and Volbonans. I say all of them because that does mean they have to make the Realistic Man from New Donk City playable as well and I just think that'd be very funny.

[notmoreflippingelves]

Rewatching "Navidad" and noticing right now that contrary to what I remembered, Esteban wasn't the only one who wanted to celebrate a traditional Nochebuena in the palace with just their family. Francisco did too! This is the very first Navidad since their reunion and Shuriki's defeat. Esteban has been waiting 41 (!) years for this day, and he probably thought it would never come. It must have hurt so much when his wish for a traditional family Navidad was immediately shut down by Elena and Luisa and (albeit a bit more conflictedly by Isabel) or that Francisco's agreement with his idea was disregarded.

It's especially intriguing to me, because ordinarily, you would expect Esteban to be all in on the exciting new Navidad celebrations. He can be stuffy and traditional, sure, but he's also extravagant and loves grand, elaborate parties. In this case, however, he vastly prefers a quieter, more intimate Navidad than something new and elaborate and exciting. He doesn't want fireworks or or parades or massive parties; all he wants is simple quality time with the family he spent four decades longing to somehow see again.

To borrow a few lyrics from "Let Love Light the Way," Esteban needs "nothing more than those [he] adore[s]" over the holiday. And it must rankle him so much to receive the seeming confirmation that this isn't enough for the others-- and I feel it could lend itself to the inevitable conclusion that he himself isn't "enough" for the others.

Personally, I feel like Francisco's desire to have their quiet, private Nochebuena celebration comes from a slightly different place than Esteban's. He's naturally a more traditional, reserved person, so he would always prefer simple quality time with his family than a grand function. Additionally, he did not perceive any time passing during the past 41 years, as Esteban did. So this particular Navidad would have less strong of a meaning to him as it did to his grandson who was all alone for four decades. I also do not think he would be fully aware of what this end of the Dark Times means to his grandson. But unlike the others, Francisco does seem to be genuinely trying to understand what Esteban is thinking and feeling.

And even knowing that Francisco can and will never fully understand, Esteban must have felt a little tiny spark of recognition and validation when Francisco too wanted to resume their regular Navidad traditions. These--and by extension, Esteban himself--may not have been "good enough" for Luisa or Elena. But for Francisco, the traditions were more than merely "good enough," they were his first choice.

[keyh0use]

I look away from my phone in embarrassment every time I'm forced to read the word member in reference to dick

[seafoam-taide]

my freak wife

[good-beanswrites]

My Lyrics for Eve's Demon Dance Tokyo! This song jumped the line of wips, I immediately fell in love with it 😂 I'm really proud of these -- it worked out well and was a blast to sing :D (Lyrics under the cut and my rambly process commentary in the tags lol)

Ah, don't you miss the home from where you came?

So many memories, feel your mind FLY FAR AWAY.

Tread-tread-tread-tread memories in tow,

INSTANT-PARADISE TOKYO.

Humans with such strange STYLE, all confusing me to no end

Jealous of them; wanna join them;

Credentials and such be damned. JUST GIVE ME (a)

SUPERMODEL TO DATE, wouldn't that be lovely?

CAMERAs are my place to be.

STYLE won't you come to me.

Ah, my voice as well has BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS, I’M LOVING IT.

You and me set side by side, I'll face you if you'll risk it.

Now I'm starving! Carefully as possible,

I'll consume you! Thorn-covered and poison-full,

Eating until I feel fed. "I'll have one of each," I said.

Grow wild! The worst follows AFTER BAD.

We'll fall down! Crashing parties that they had.

Conversations charge ahead: the turning point OF THE DEAD.

Endlessly I'm feeling coerced into everything.

Thump, thump, my heart --

Knock, Knock, my heart unlocks, love thump thump thumping like an arrow that's notched.

That dress looks so nice, does it feel too tight?

Now, you lead the way, to each command I will agree.

Do you think he's cool? Do you think he's lame?

It's all the same, let's dance BARRIER FREE.

SHOWTIME starting now, you can't allow yourself to sway.

Shed your worries and their weight, flying fast and far away.

We, the ones the world will never hold in high esteem

Never need to offer flattery, all we do is dream.

Now I’m starving! Even more voraciously

I'll consume you! Opening my arms you'll see

No one can take you from me, you're mine for eternity

Grow wild! Drinking more than I enjoy

We'll fall down! Stumbling I feel destroyed, these city nights show me I'm

A disappearing BOY.

We, the ones the world will never know or write about,

Now, to vast Pacific waters you will hear us shout... (SHAKE'N)

Please, wait a moment, Beautiful. Where is your smile from before?

Are you so sure I can't see that face anymore?

A strong PRIME MINISTER for you is what I became.

I swear to God I'll protect the country called by your name.

If we're close to Hell, never say farewell, please keep your hand holding mine.

I want to dance with you forever, won't you look me in the eye.

Now I'm starving! As ashamed as possible,

I'll consume you! Thorn-covered and poison-full,

Eating until I feel fed. "I'll have one of each," I said.

Grow wild! Gimme an ADVENTURE

We'll fall down! Crashing parties that occur.

This sleepless night, it bores me. SPICE is what it needs.

Now I’m starving! Even more voraciously

I'll consume you! Opening my arms you'll see

No one can take you from me, you're mine for eternity

Grow wild! Drinking more than I enjoy

We'll fall down! Stumbling I feel destroyed, these city nights show me I'm

A disappearing BOY.

And I recorded a little draft! Now listen. I'm really bad at singing. My mic was being annoying. However, I always get frustrated when I can't tell how translyrics are supposed to sound, and wanted to put it all together. It's meant more as rhythm reference than a nice performance 😅

[tirfpikachu]

life is very stressful i need soft words

[cygnusposts]

i have another interview on thursday aaaaaaaa

[nonbinary-sticks-the-badger]

sonic twt genuinely makes me want to deactivate my account honestly because they dont like ANYTHING

[s-soulwriter]

Things Real People Do in Dialogue (For Your Next Story)

Okay, let’s be real—dialogue can make or break a scene. You want your characters to sound natural, like actual humans talking, not robots reading a script. So, how do you write dialogue that feels real without it turning into a mess of awkward pauses and “ums”? Here’s a little cheat sheet of what real people actually do when they talk (and you can totally steal these for your next story):

1. People Interrupt Each Other All the Time In real conversations, nobody waits for the perfect moment to speak. We interrupt, cut each other off, and finish each other's sentences. Throw in some overlaps or interruptions in your dialogue to make it feel more dynamic and less like a rehearsed play.

2. They Don’t Always Say What They Mean Real people are masters of dodging. They’ll say one thing but mean something totally different (hello, passive-aggressive banter). Or they’ll just avoid the question entirely. Let your characters be vague, sarcastic, or just plain evasive sometimes—it makes their conversations feel more layered.

3. People Trail Off... We don’t always finish our sentences. Sometimes we just... stop talking because we assume the other person gets what we’re trying to say. Use that in your dialogue! Let a sentence trail off into nothing. It adds realism and shows the comfort (or awkwardness) between characters.

4. Repeating Words Is Normal In real life, people repeat words when they’re excited, nervous, or trying to make a point. It’s not a sign of bad writing—it’s how we talk. Let your characters get a little repetitive now and then. It adds a rhythm to their speech that feels more genuine.

5. Fillers Are Your Friends People say "um," "uh," "like," "you know," all the time. Not every character needs to sound polished or poetic. Sprinkle in some filler words where it makes sense, especially if the character is nervous or thinking on their feet.

6. Not Everyone Speaks in Complete Sentences Sometimes, people just throw out fragments instead of complete sentences, especially when emotions are high. Short, choppy dialogue can convey tension or excitement. Instead of saying “I really think we need to talk about this,” try “We need to talk. Now.”

7. Body Language Is Part of the Conversation Real people don’t just communicate with words; they use facial expressions, gestures, and body language. When your characters are talking, think about what they’re doing—are they fidgeting? Smiling? Crossing their arms? Those little actions can add a lot of subtext to the dialogue without needing extra words.

8. Awkward Silences Are Golden People don’t talk non-stop. Sometimes, they stop mid-conversation to think, or because things just got weird. Don’t be afraid to add a beat of awkward silence, a long pause, or a meaningful look between characters. It can say more than words.

9. People Talk Over Themselves When They're Nervous When we’re anxious, we tend to talk too fast, go back to rephrase what we just said, or add unnecessary details. If your character’s nervous, let them ramble a bit or correct themselves. It’s a great way to show their internal state through dialogue.

10. Inside Jokes and Shared History Real people have history. Sometimes they reference something that happened off-page, or they share an inside joke only they get. This makes your dialogue feel lived-in and shows that your characters have a life beyond the scene. Throw in a callback to something earlier, or a joke only two characters understand.

11. No One Explains Everything People leave stuff out. We assume the person we’re talking to knows what we’re talking about, so we skip over background details. Instead of having your character explain everything for the reader’s benefit, let some things go unsaid. It’ll feel more natural—and trust your reader to keep up!

12. Characters Have Different Voices Real people don’t all talk the same way. Your characters shouldn’t either! Pay attention to their unique quirks—does one character use slang? Does another speak more formally? Maybe someone’s always cutting people off while another is super polite. Give them different voices and patterns of speech so their dialogue feels authentic to them.

13. People Change the Subject In real life, conversations don’t always stay on track. People get sidetracked, jump to random topics, or avoid certain subjects altogether. If your characters are uncomfortable or trying to dodge a question, let them awkwardly change the subject or ramble to fill the space.

14. Reactions Aren’t Always Immediate People don’t always respond right away. They pause, they think, they hesitate. Sometimes they don’t know what to say, and that delay can speak volumes. Give your characters a moment to process before they respond—it’ll make the conversation feel more natural.

Important note: Please don’t use all of these tips in one dialogue at once.

[thewriteadviceforwriters]

✏️ Writing Dialogue That Sounds Like Real People, Not Theater Kids on Red Bull

(a crash course in vibes, verbal economy, and making your characters shut up already)

Okay. We need to talk about dialogue. Specifically: why everyone in your draft sounds like they’re in a high school improv group doing a dramatic reading of Riverdale fanfiction.

Before you panic, this is normal. Early dialogue is almost always too much. Too polished. Too "scripted." So if yours feels off? You’re not failing. You’re just doing Draft Zero Dialogue, and it’s time to revise it like a boss.

Here’s how to fix it.

─────── ✦ ───────

🎭 STEP ONE: DETOX THEATER ENERGY I say this with love: your characters are not all quippy geniuses. They do not need to deliver emotional monologues at every plot beat. They can just say things. Weird, half-finished, awkward things.

Real people:

interrupt each other

trail off mid-thought

dodge questions

contradict themselves

repeat stuff

change the subject randomly

Let your characters sound messy. Not every line needs to sparkle. In fact, the more effort you put into making dialogue ✨perfect✨, the more fake it sounds. Cut 30% of your clever lines and see what happens.

─────── ✦ ───────

🎤 STEP TWO: GIVE EACH CHARACTER A VERBAL FINGERPRINT The fastest way to make dialogue feel alive? Make everyone speak differently. Think rhythm, grammar, vocabulary, tone.

Some dials you can twist:

Long-winded vs. clipped

Formal vs. casual

Emojis of speech: sarcasm, filler words, expletives, slang

Sentence structure: do they talk in fragments? Run-ons? Spirals?

Emotion control: are they blunt, diplomatic, avoidant, performative?

Here’s a shortcut: imagine what your character sounds like over text. Are they the “lol okay” type or the “okie dokie artichokie 🌈✨” one? Now translate that into speech.

─────── ✦ ───────

🧠 STEP THREE: FUNCTION > FILLER Every line of dialogue should do something. Reveal something. Move something. Change something.

Ask:

Does this line push the plot forward?

Does it show character motivation/conflict/dynamic?

Does it create tension, add context, or raise a question?

If it’s just noise? It’s dead air. Cut it. Replace it with a glance. A gesture. A silence that says more.

TIP: look at a dialogue scene and remove every third line. Does the scene still work? Probably better.

─────── ✦ ───────

💥 STEP FOUR: REACTIVITY IS THE GOLD STANDARD Characters don’t talk into a void. They respond. And how they respond = the real juice.

Don’t just write back-and-forth ping pong. Write conflict, dodge, misunderstanding. If one character says something vulnerable, the other might joke. Or ignore it. Or say something cruel. That’s tension.

Dialogue is not just information exchange. It’s emotional strategy.

Try this exercise: A says something revealing. B lies. A notices, but pretends they don’t. B changes the subject. Now you’ve got a real scene.

─────── ✦ ───────

🔍 STEP FIVE: PAY ATTENTION TO POWER Every convo has a power dynamic, even if it’s tiny. Who’s steering? Who’s withholding? Who’s deflecting, chasing, challenging?

Power can shift line to line. That shift = tension. And tension = narrative fuel.

Write conversations like chess matches, not ping pong.

─────── ✦ ───────

✂️ STEP SIX: SCISSORS ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND The best dialogue is often the second draft. Or third. Or fourth. First drafts are just you figuring out what everyone wants to say. Later drafts figure out what they actually would say.

Things to cut:

Greetings/closings ("Hi!" "Bye!"--skip it unless it serves tone)

Exposition disguised as chat

Obvious thoughts spoken aloud

Explaining jokes

Repeating what we already know

Readers are smart. Let them fill in blanks.

─────── ✦ ───────

🎧 STEP SEVEN: READ IT OUT LOUD (YES, REALLY) If you hate this step: too bad. It works. Read it. Mumbling is fine. Cringe is part of the ritual.

Ask yourself:

Would someone actually say this?

Does this sound like one person speaking, or a puppet show with one hand?

Where does the rhythm trip? Where’s the breath?

If you can’t say it out loud without wincing, the reader won’t make it either. Respect the vibe.

─────── ✦ ───────

🏁 TL;DR: If you want your dialogue to sound like real people, let your characters be real. Messy. Annoying. Human. Let them interrupt and lie and joke badly and say the wrong thing at the worst time.

Cut the improv class energy. Kill the urge to be ✨brilliant✨. And listen to how people talk when they’re scared, tired, pissed off, in love, or trying not to say what they mean.

That’s where the good stuff is.

—rin t. // thewriteadviceforwriters // official advocate of awkward silences and one-word replies

P.S. I made a free mini eBook about the 5 biggest mistakes writers make in the first 10 pages 👀 you can grab it here for FREE:

[valeriehalla]

actual writing advice

1. Use the passive voice.

What? What are you talking about, “don’t use the passive voice”? Are you feeling okay? Who told you that? Come on, let’s you and me go to their house and beat them with golf clubs. It’s just grammar. English is full of grammar: you should go ahead and use all of it whenever you want, on account of English is the language you’re writing in.

2. Use adverbs.

Now hang on. What are you even saying to me? Don’t use adverbs? My guy, that is an entire part of speech. That’s, like—that’s gotta be at least 20% of the dictionary. I don’t know who told you not to use adverbs, but you should definitely throw them into the Columbia river.

3. There’s no such thing as “filler”.

Buddy, “filler” is what we called the episodes of Dragon Ball Z where Goku wasn’t blasting Frieza because the anime was in production before Akira Toriyama had written the part where Goku blasts Frieza. Outside of this extremely specific context, “filler” does not exist. Just because a scene wouldn’t make it into the Wikipedia synopsis of your story’s plot doesn’t mean it isn’t important to your story. This is why “plot” and “story” are different words!

4. okay, now that I’ve snared you in my trap—and I know you don’t want to hear this—but orthography actually does kind of matter

First of all, a lot of what you think of as “grammar” is actually orthography. Should I put a comma here? How do I spell this word in this context? These are questions of orthography (which is a fancy Greek word meaning “correct-writing”). In fact, most of the “grammar questions” you’ll see posted online pertain to orthography; this number probably doubles in spaces for writers specifically.

If you’re a native speaker of English, your grammar is probably flawless and unremarkable for the purposes of writing prose. Instead, orthography refers to the set rules governing spelling, punctuation, and whitespace. There are a few things you should know about orthography:

English has no single orthography. You already know spelling and punctuation differ from country to country, but did you know it can even differ from publisher to publisher? Some newspapers will set parenthetical statements apart with em dashes—like this, with no spaces—while others will use slightly shorter dashes – like this, with spaces – to name just one example.

Orthography is boring, and nobody cares about it or knows what it is. For most readers, orthography is “invisible”. Readers pay attention to the words on a page, not the paper itself; in much the same way, readers pay attention to the meaning of a text and not the orthography, which exists only to convey that meaning.

That doesn’t mean it’s not important. Actually, that means it’s of the utmost importance. Because orthography can only be invisible if it meets the reader’s expectations.

You need to learn how to format dialogue into paragraphs. You need to learn when to end a quote with a comma versus a period. You need to learn how to use apostrophes, colons and semicolons. You need to learn these things not so you can win meaningless brownie points from your English teacher for having “Good Grammar”, but so that your prose looks like other prose the reader has consumed.

If you printed a novel on purple paper, you’d have the reader wondering: why purple? Then they’d be focusing on the paper and not the words on it. And you probably don’t want that! So it goes with orthography: whenever you deviate from standard practices, you force the reader to work out in their head whether that deviation was intentional or a mistake. Too much of that can destroy the flow of reading and prevent the reader from getting immersed.

You may chafe at this idea. You may think these “rules” are confusing and arbitrary. You’re correct to think that. They’re made the fuck up! What matters is that they were made the fuck up collaboratively, by thousands of writers over hundreds of years. Whether you like it or not, you are part of that collaboration: you’re not the first person to write prose, and you can’t expect yours to be the first prose your readers have ever read.

That doesn’t mean “never break the rules”, mind you. Once you’ve gotten comfortable with English orthography, then you are free to break it as you please. Knowing what’s expected gives you the power to do unexpected things on purpose. And that’s the really cool shit.

5. You’re allowed to say the boobs were big if the story is about how big the boobs were

Nobody is saying this. Only I am brave enough to say it.

Well, bye!

[mutant-girl-mintt]

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